i’d love to answer that question but honestly, i don’t think he ever was here. he never was there as a blanket for the storm, shield armor when there were canons, bullets or fire aimed towards you. he never truly was there. sure he physically was, but as a lingering shadow, ready to pounce and destroy. though, he would love to tell you different.
i have tried to accept it. i have tried to accept that i never will be daddy’s girl, i’ll never be one of those little girls who run to their dad when they’re scared, happy, excited or just because. instead, i’m the daughter who absolutely fears him. man i can’t even remember when was the last time we have hugged. isn’t that so ridiculous? i have a father, but not a dad. no dad where love isn’t transactional but unconditional, where it isn’t either obedience or fear. someone who didn’t tell me to kill myself but outside so he doesn’t have to clean my mess of a bleeding but broken heart. i don’t have that. i have someone who doesn’t know me, someone who doesn’t care, someone narcissistic, someone who just. isn’t. there. the effort is as apparent as the love he gives. absent, painful, and disappointing. just like the owner. i have wasted so many minutes, hours, pondering in the mirror why doesn’t he love me? why doesn’t he care? am i just that fucking unwanted? just why did he hurt a little girl who just wanted to do him proud and receive warmth and love? people always say your dad is supposed to shield you from your first heartbreak from a boy, and is supposed to threaten to kill them but instead, my first heartbreak was my father and i tried not to kill myself. he says he’s a good dad, he says he knows what’s right, and yet the “right” he knows forced my brain to rewire itself in order to protect little me from the abuse, manipulation, emotional neglect and just flat out trauma. if his teachings were intended to do good, why is it that my heart races when i hear his name, get a call or see him? why is it that i’m so terrified of his voice, of his presence, of his reactions or doing anything possibly out of line, in fear for my safety? where’s the comfort and protection he says is there? where is the love? but most painfully, where is my dad?